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“People Didn’t Show Emotion Back Then”—Why That Doesn’t Belong in Your Family History Writing
- Devon Noel Lee
- Jul 1
- 4 min read
Have you ever read or heard a comment online that makes you want to shout, "Hold on now—let's think this through!"
That happened to me recently, and while I don't want to call anyone out, I want to address a common—and frustrating—pattern in family history writing.
Where the Family History Assumption Began
The comment had me blowing a fuse!
"People in the 1920s were taught not to show emotions."
I just thought, "Say what now?!?! Who taught this, and where? Aren't you painting with a broad brush?"
Once I calmed down, I wanted to be a little more diplomatic and generous. Let's not attribute to malice what is likely ignorance. I mean, I'm the one who told you previously that I believed the trope that women didn't work outside of the home until the 1940s.
So, chances are, they were passing along something they heard or maybe even experienced in their own family. But here's the tip that I want to emphasize:
Be careful with your assumptions about what your ancestors did or did not learn.
It's tempting to simplify the past into neat little boxes. But your ancestors didn't work or react that way. We never do, so why would they?
The Problem with Blanket Statements
Statements like "people didn't show emotions back then" or "everyone in the past believed the world was flat" pop up all the time in family history circles. Those making these claims usually do so with confidence.
But just because someone says or even believes it doesn't mean it's historically accurate or universally true.
Cultural norms absolutely influence behavior—but they don't erase individual personality, family dynamics, or regional variation. Let's break that down.
Emotions in the 1920s? Oh, They Had Them.
Were there some social groups that valued emotional restraint in the 1920s?
Sure. Think of upper-crust British society, where the stiff upper lip was practically a national motto. Or certain religious traditions that emphasized modesty and self-control.
But that's not everyone.
I've read letters between immigrant couples in the 1910s that are as gushy and romantic as anything you'd find in a modern-day love note. Diaries from Midwest farm wives in the 1920s show heartbreak, laughter, frustration—and plenty of sass.
If you assume no one showed affection or grief or joy just because it wasn't the dominant cultural narrative in one place, you will flatten your ancestors into cardboard cutouts at best or misrepresent them at worst.
Assumptions Are the Enemy of Good Storytelling
Here are a few more doozies I've seen:
"People didn't get divorced back then." (Tell that to the woman who divorced her third husband in 1895.)
"Everyone was super religious." (Not the guy who got kicked out of church for arguing with the preacher… again.)
"Children were always respectful." (I've got court records full of teenage drama that say otherwise.)
The more we rely on what "people say" happened in the past, the more we risk erasing what did happen in our own families.
Your Ancestors Were Real People
Let me say that again: your ancestors were real people.
Messy, emotional, surprising, stubborn, affectionate, fearful, funny people. Just like us.
That means they didn't always follow the rules or fit the stereotypes. Some followed social norms to the letter, while others broke them quietly or loudly.
If we assume they all behaved the same way because "that's how people were," we miss the chance to write honestly and with empathy.
How to Reduce Assumptions When Writing Family Histories
Now, I don't like to rant without giving you strategies for overcoming a challenge. So, implement the following steps to reduce assumptions when writing your family history.
Use specific sources. Lean on letters, diaries, interviews, court records—whatever gives you firsthand insight into how your ancestors acted or felt.
Acknowledge diversity. If you must generalize, add a little wiggle room. Try phrases like "many families…" or "in some communities…" rather than "people did/didn't…"
Spot your assumptions. Ask yourself: Do I know this from a source—or am I guessing based on what I've heard?
Don't fear emotion. If you have evidence of joy, grief, affection, or conflict—put it in your stories! These moments are what make your writing resonate.
Be Careful Writing Assumptions Into Your Family History
There's no shame in having believed some of these assumptions before. We all pick up bits and pieces from pop culture, textbooks, or old family tales. But once we know better, we can do better.
So the next time someone says, "People in the past never…"
Go ahead and smile. Then check your sources—because, odds are, your ancestor broke the mold.
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